When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
