i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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