Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wish I only lived at night.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Randomize
