My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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