Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
