I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
