glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
