Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
