I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Randomize
