Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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