she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize