He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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