i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
