My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
