i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
