I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
