Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize