hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
