He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
