I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
