I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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