1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
sarcasm needs its own font
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
