she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
