my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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