Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
