There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
