my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize