Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize