I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
