I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
