Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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