I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
