He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize