wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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