I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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