apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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