Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
