If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
