my vag is so smooth its legendary
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
