o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
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