Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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