Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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