If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
