I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
