I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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