My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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