my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
