I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
