My liver just broke up with me...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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