did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
