Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
