I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
