Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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