who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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