I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
