one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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