two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
