she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
