my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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